I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
you didnt know i had herpes?
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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