I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
