The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
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