She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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