the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
