I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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