I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
