booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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