how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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