I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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