can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
