He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
