she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
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