apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
