Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
