my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
