I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Randomize
