i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
