32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
