remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
