Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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