If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
