see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Randomize
