she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
