we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
