We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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