i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
