last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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