she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
