No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
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