sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
It's blow job season.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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