I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
