oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
