Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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