Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
