hotel room ftw
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
