im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
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