stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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