I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
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