my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
i just made my gag reflex go away.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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