i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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