so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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