i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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