I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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