They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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