Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Randomize
