hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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