I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
