Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
