mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
