fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
